Love of my Life
by Megumi Sagara
Summary: How do you cope with the loss of the person you love not once, but twice? AU


Hi! I know I should be updating "Chronicle of a Wedding" but I've had writer's block regarding that fic, and the idea for this one kept on bugging me. I'll be uploading chapter three soon. It's the first time I write something under this genre, and I was a bit unsure at the beginning, but I hope you like it.

'Love of my Life' is a Weiss Kreuz Glühen song, and it seemed an appropriate title for this story. Also, it was quite inspiring, even though this is not a songfic.

Thank you very much to Maria Tolentino-Goldstein for editing my stories.

"..." dialogue

'...' thoughts

/.../ other forms of speaking

00000 change of scene

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is not mine, neither 'Love of my Life'. They belong to Watsuki Nobuhiro and the people who wrote the song, and to Project Weiss who sing it.

**__**

LOVE OF MY LIFE

Everything, the ceiling, the walls, the doors, even the floor, was white, and the reflection of the long neon lights on them hurt the eyes and made the atmosphere more oppressive. Why were hospitals white? It was a profanity to use such a beautiful, pure colour in a place where despair, sadness, illness and death were found around each corner. They should be black, like a cave or a deep well, like the void in her heart.

Takani Megumi closed her eyes to avoid shedding more tears and fisted her delicate fingers on the grey sports trousers she was wearing. However a tear rolled down her cheek and neck, disappearing when it reached the edge of her T-shirt. She was alone now in one of the benches of the corridor in front of the operation room's access. Her parents were on the way and the people who were like her second family had entered one of the side rooms to perform the most difficult task of their lives, to say goodbye forever. They had wanted her to go with them, saying she was as a daughter to them, but she had declined, in part because they needed that private moment just for themselves, in part for the selfish desire to bid farewell to him alone. He was gone and she wanted to mourn just with him as witness, to say the words that she had never had the courage to utter, for him to hear... only him.

A strangled sob escaped her mouth and she bit her lower lip, hiccuping when she did not let the second pass her throat. She did not want anybody to see her cry. His parents and siblings did not need more weeping people to add to their tears, but comfort and strength. And when her turn to enter the room came, she had to be completely calm to offer him a smile. He had hated her frowns, her seriousness and her bad days since they were children. She wiped her hand across her face and opened her lids, the bright neon exploding like thousands of knives against her pupils. She truly despised white.

A door to her left pushed open and made her turn her head. Sagara Souzo and Haruko were going out of the room, their younger children following them. Their eyes were empty, still bearing the incredulity of having lost their oldest son and brother so young and so unexpectedly. Their steps were slow and mechanical, as if a master puppeteer were moving the threads to make them walk. Uki held Outa close to her, both with traces of fresh tears on their skin, Yahiko behind them, clenching his teeth and hands to stop the urge to give into his sorrow.

"He seems asleep..." their mother whispered when Megumi stood up to give her her seat.

The father took out a pack of cigarettes and with trembling hands tried to light one. It was the first time the girl saw him do it. But he did not aspire the smoke, just alternated it between his lips and his fingers.

"May I...?" she asked in a low voice, as in fear to break the silence in the corridor.

The woman nodded once and leaned her head on the wall, her hands on her lap, while her husband left the cigarette on the ashtray and sat down beside her. She walked to the room, pain piercing her to the core each time she put a foot in front of the other. The last thing she heard before the door of the morgue closed behind her was Uki, crumbling down on the bench in sobs.

His name was written under the number of the second door at the right. She hesitated for a moment, with her hand inches from the knob, feeling her resolve dissolve into nothing but grief. Her lips could not form the curve she had planned and tears had started to fill her eyes once again.

"I'm sorry..." she said softly, her voice quivering. "I can't do it... I'm not that strong..."

The hinges creaked a bit when she pushed the door. The only light came from the spaces in the slats of the Venetian blinds, casting its rays on the bed in the middle of the room, outlining the still figure on it. She gulped, a heavy weight settling on her chest, and moved forward, her eyes fixed on the head resting on the pillow, covered with a white cloth which clung to his profile. She arrived at the side of the bed and slowly moved her hands to uncover his face.

His mother was right, he looked asleep. It reminded her of the many times she had to go to his room to wake him up for school and had contemplated him for a moment before snatching the sheets from his grasp. His thick brows making two arcs over his closed lids, under which she remembered two deep pools of rich brown, always sparkling. Her throat tightened and closed with a burning sensation. Eyes that she would never see again. His high cheekbones and straight nose, his thin lips and prominent chin, her hand hovered over them without touching, fearing the coldness of his skin, which would confirm the horrible truth. That Sagara Sanosuke, her neighbour and childhood friend, the man of her dreams, had left her behind once again without saying goodbye.

Strangely, she did not cry. Her eyes burned but no tears came out of them. A numbness spread inside her and her body felt like an empty shell, heavy and useless. Her legs gave in and she fell on her knees, but it seemed she did not notice any of her movements anymore. Her gaze, her senses, all her being was focused on his relaxed face. Her mouth opened and tried to form a word. There were so many things that had been left unsaid between them, but her vocal cords seemed to have melted in her throat, because they did not produce any sound. And she stayed like that until someone, a face she did not remember, came to look for her and brought her outside.

00000

A huge turnout came to the funeral and many people had to follow the ceremony outside the room that had been prepared for it. All the students and teachers that had known him since kindergarten, neighbours, the ones who loved him and the ones who did not, all were there. Megumi had been quite surprised to see Saitou Hajime, one of the people Sanosuke despised the most in the world, with a serious expression, paying his respects to him, and Shinomori Aoshi who, maybe, was there to support his girlfriend Misao, who had been very close to him, or perhaps because deep inside he considered him a friend despite their differences in many things.

'You were appreciated and loved. You always said you were happy with just a few friends, that Kenshin, Misao, Katsu and I were enough... But if you had seen... Remember that boy from junior high school you defended from some bullies last year? He and his whole family were there... and so many whom you just crossed paths once or twice...'

A tiny, sad smile crossed her lips at this thought, as she walked along the riverside the afternoon after the burial. She had felt the need to run from every place they had been together and escape the oppression of the memories they brought. A street, a square, a park... she could see his grin, hear his words, see his gestures, what they had done there. And she received a stab in the heart every single time.

She sat on the grass, near a bridge, smoothing the invisible wrinkles of the school uniform she had been wearing the whole day, drawing her knees and putting her chin on them.

'Why did you have to leave us? Who's going to pick on Misao when she talks about Aoshi, or try to drag Kenshin into spying on the female changing rooms?' she buried her face on her skirt and a tear dampened the dark blue fabric. 'Who's going to call me Megitsune again?'

/Crying never suited you./

He had told her that once, when they were seven and she had fallen while pursuing him. She had scraped her hands and one leg and was sobbing, sitting in the middle of the road. He had approached and watched her for a second before gathering her in his arms and whispered in her ear with that special tone of voice of his, half teasing, half concerned, those words.

'You had to play the hero and get hit by a car... The poor driver was feeling so bad, he couldn't stop blaming himself... And the family of the girl you saved was there too...'

/The important thing is that she's safe./

Megumi lifted her head immediately. That was not a memory. She gazed around, trying to find out if somebody was playing a dirty trick on her. But suddenly, a warm gust of wind shrouded her, touching her skin and playing with her hair before lifting a few dry leaves towards the sky. And an absurd thought crossed her mind.

"Sa...no...?"

Silence was the only reply and she moved her head, laughing mentally at herself for being so foolish. There was no way he could somehow communicate with her. He had died almost three days ago, and she would never hear his voice again. The insistent knot which had been settling in her throat since the accident came back and a shot of fire ran from her heart to her eyes, and her sobs found their way to her lips.

'Idiot...!'

/I know.../

"Who's there?!" she shouted standing up. "It's not funny!!"

She walked to the bridge pillar and looked behind, then around. She was alone. A few birds flew by chirping and she followed them with her gaze until they were just black dots in the horizon. The sun was setting, colouring everything red, as blood. Slowly, she made her way to the riverbank and looked down at her reflection, taking in her hollowed cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes. Hesitant, she lifted one of her feet.

'What does it feel like to die?'

/Awful. So don't be stupid and go back./

Megumi spun around, rage written all over her face. Whoever was doing this to her was going to pay dearly for it.

/Why don't you calm down and let me speak, Megitsune? I don't have too much time left./

She froze on the spot, colour drained from her face and her heartbeat racing like mad inside her. He had been the only one who had dared to call her that, it had been his "brilliant" idea of a nickname which, according to him, suited her better than her name. Demons and blessings did not mix, he had often said. But if she could really hear him, had she fallen asleep on the riverside? Was she going crazy?

/You wish. Now be a good girl and close your eyes./

Against her mind's protests, she did as she was told. However, a wave of dizziness seized her and she opened them. Carefully, she sat down on the grass and did it again, a mixture of expectation and fear clinging to her heart.

/That's better. I thought I would never convince you.../

'Is it really you?'

/The one and only./

'W-what are you doing here? I... You-you're...'

/Yeah, I am./ she heard him sigh. /I just came to resolve everything before leaving for good./

'Resolve? Like ghosts in western films?'

/More or less, though I only have until sunset to do it./

'And, what is it?'

/To say goodbye./

Her heart ripped once more and she squeezed her hands harder around her legs. She hated that word, it made her feel so helpless and vulnerable.

/It's not forever, Megitsune. I'm like one of those stones you kick when you're walking along a road and you keep finding a few meters away/ his voice held a note of humour.

'Not-? I won't have you near me for my whole life! That's at least fifty or sixty years!'

/But we'll have the next one for ourselves. It was not my time in this reincarnation./

'What are you talking about? You never believed in all that.'

/Well, there you go. I was wrong./

Megumi fidgeted uncomfortably, thinking of her next question.

'What did you mean by that?'

/Exactly what you heard. It was not my turn to tie things in this life, there are other issues which came before it, so I had to disappear from the picture./

'W-which issues?'

/Do you remember anything from your past life?/

She blushed deeply. That had been the only secret she had kept from him. She had been ashamed that, if she talked with him about the dreams and sudden flashbacks that sometimes assaulted her, he would have laughed at her.

/I wouldn't. We've been best friends since we're babies. And... you see... I had them too, but I didn't have time to tell you... Maybe it was written that way./

'I... I didn't know how you were going to react to me saying out of the blue, Hey, you know, I was a woman doctor in Meiji Era and you were my most annoying patient. And the man who haunted my dreams for my whole life.'

/Not bad. Then I would have replied, You were in mine, too, but I was too busy travelling the world and dying of cholera in India./

'T-then, if they loved each other...'

/I told you, it was not the moment for that. If you remember, there was another man in her life, who came first./

Her mind became blank when realization dawned on her. He could not be referring to...

'Ken-Kenshin?! Are you... implying that-that...?'

/Yes/ came his resigned voice. /He'll be your partner this life./

'But it was just an infatuation, the one of the damsel in distress towards her hero. Once she went back to Aizu, she realized she didn't miss him that much. And what about Kaoru? And Tomoe? They were the most important to him. She never meant anything to him.'

/Kaoru hasn't reincarnated. She fulfilled her mission of redeeming him in her past life. And Tomoe has Kiyosato Akira, the man whom she was engaged to in the Bakumatsu./

'Then, if Kenshin was saved, what's he doing here now?'

/I don't know, there must be something that he didn't do right, or just didn't do./

'And... Amakusa Sayo? Why didn't you stay to be with her if we weren't meant to be?'

/She was a Christian, she did not believe in this stuff. So, we all see each other in the next one, Kenshin, Tomoe, you and me. Aoshi and Misao will get out of the circle this time./

'Great' her tone was bitter. 'The Kenshin-gumi and their complicated love life.'

She heard him snicker and a small smile found its way to her lips. They stayed in silence for a moment before he spoke again, his voice serious and full of regret.

/It's almost time for me to go.../

Megumi opened her eyes and saw the sun half sunk in the horizon, and her heart wrenched. She closed them again to be with him until the last second and a tear ran down her cheek.

'Do you really have to?'

/Yes./

'Don't, please' her words were filled with desperation.

/Megumi, don't make it harder.../

'There's so much I wanted to tell you-' a sob cut off her thoughts.

/I know./

'I love you. I always have, since you-you broke my blue crayon and I-I hit-hit you with my-my book in ki-kindergarten...'

A warm but empty sensation surrounded her body and she imagined it was his arms around her, his chest against her back and his face buried in her dark hair. It was an easy thing, they had been like that countless times in her dreams, the only place where their romance had been real. She brought trembling fingers to her chest and rested them there, thinking that his hand was there, wrapped around his elbow.

/Me too. I loved that nervous stutter, your bad temper, your smiles, I loved everything about you. That's why I needed to say farewell, I couldn't leave you like last time, you had to know that I cared./

Megumi whimpered, feeling the separation approaching.

'Sanosuke...'

/I'm sorry.../ he was silent for a few seconds. /Before parting, there are two things I have to ask from you. First, look after them... They'll need all the support and affection to get out of this, especially Outa. He's so fragile, don't let him withdraw into himself. Would you?/ she nodded. /Thank you... And the other thing... I'd like you to smile for me, just the last time./

'How can you ask me that?!' she buried her face in her arms and cried harder.

/Please... I want to see it. I need it.../

The desperate tone of his request moved something inside the girl and she lifted her head slowly. She wiped her tears away and though they kept on falling, she tried to curve her lips without success until she breathed deeply and, with the last rays of sun, she smiled.

/Goodbye./

To hear that word shattered her heart once again and her sobs filled the sudden silence which had fallen, like a blanket, over the place.

00000

It was completely dark when Megumi stood up and looked at the sky. The moon had reached its last quarter and was now a very thin, white line against the darkness, half covered by black clouds. It seemed that the immensity had joined her sorrow. She had been crying until she had no more tears left to shed. She felt weak and tired but, at the same time, purified as if this time the drops had washed her inside. The pain was still there, and surely it would last until the end, but she was not lost anymore. Those moments with him had lifted a heavy weight from her spirit, had given her solace and peace of mind. And the most important thing, the memory of the words and caress they had shared to cherish forever.

'Sagara Sanosuke, you're the love of my life, of the woman of the past and of the one I'll become in the future... I'll be waiting...'

She started walking toward the main road with a small smile across her mouth. Her time for mourning, for being alone with her recollections of him had ended. She could not be selfish anymore, he had given her a mission and she was not going to fail him. She stopped at the top of the slope and looked back at the spot where they had been talking.

"Goodbye..."

THE END


End file.
